Relationship Acquisition and Preservation

The saints and sages remind us that in higher consciousness we are never alone, Nevertheless, it certainly helps to share that sense of completeness with another sojourner on this life path. For optimal living, there are four boxes we need to check : Diet and Health.
Career and Finances. Love and Relationship. Life of the Spirit. One theory states that three of these will come easy but the other will always be a challenge. Is that true? Having counseled peeps for quite a while, it seems to fit the profile, but there’s no rule that says we can’t have our cake and cakewalk too. So, if romance has always been a rough haul, read on.

Relationship Acquisition
Does it seem that all the good men/women/other pronouns are taken? It’s important to understand that the Universe has its own timetable. Patience means doing something else in the meantime, like working on checking the other three aforementioned boxes. If you feel strongly that there is someone out there with your name emblazoned on their heart: A) Prepare for first contact. B) Create space in your life for that significant other now. Remember that we have to give up something to get something, and that means learning to see through another’s eyes and opening your heart to conscious sacrifice.

Regarding A) If you want to win the game of love you have to first make the team. It may seem shallow but consider sprucing up your exterior. Begin
working out in more than just a cursory way. Elevate your style. Ensure that your hair-do is not a hair-don’t. You get the idea. You may have a heart of gold but first impressions matter. This will make more sense if you’re able to bust a move from your first to second chakra. It turns out that for many that represents a huge leap over the chasm of an entrenched position.

Regarding B) Two months before I (Ravi) met Ana, I decided to refurbish/redecorate my NYC apartment. It just seemed like the thing to do, not to
mention that I had a feeling that something epic was brewing in the ethers. Part of me despaired of ever meeting anyone but another part of me knew I was truly ready to meet the “one.” I’d observed that there is a certain Henry Higgins-esque type who becomes so set in their ways, with everything just so, that they’re bordering on being no longer capable of letting another person into their closet, let alone life. I did not want to qualify for that demographic. If we’re not willing to move out of our comfort zone then we’re bound to be relationship- challenged.

So, what are the greatest obstacles to achieving relationship bliss? Two things: karma and trauma. Some people are relationship challenged because the stars are not aligned for them optimally. Why would this be? Just speculating here, but maybe in a previous incarnation (or this one), you took a gift for granted and/or betrayed someone. What to do? Kundalini Yoga is miraculous in its ability to clear karma. Things like So Darshan Chakra Kriya or the Long Ek Ong Kar Meditation, especially when practiced pre-dawn, in addition to all forms of conscious sacrifice, can help put a dent in our cosmic debts.

The other consideration is that the fault lies not in our stars but in ourselves and it all comes down to trauma. When our old wounds are unresolved we tend to circle the wagons against true intimacy and engagement. Trauma also causes us to try to exert control when we need to surrender. As we keep insisting, our trauma may not have been our fault, but it is our responsibility. It’s never a convenient time to address our trauma but the time is now. We don’t have to relive our traumas but we do have to acknowledge and alchemize them.

Relationship Repair
So, it’s the morning of a new day in your life and you’ve woken up with the person of your dreams. How to keep the honeymoon happening? The first step is to know the stages. Stage One is the honeymoon period. You can’t get enough of each other. Your partner’s quirks are delightful. You’re willing to bend way backward to make the other person happy. Romance is in the air and everything is heightened. Stage Two is when boundaries are beginning to be set. What if one of you likes to go to bed at 9:30 and the other at midnight? What if your partner doesn’t like your friends? How do you navigate these misalignments? The answer is negotiation and compromise. The purpose of a relationship is to grow together, not be with someone who’s willing to ease seamlessly into our life as it was. This pre-supposes that we need to know our deal breakers going in.

We also need to learn the difference between our egoic preferences and our true values. One person may say “to-mate-to” and the other “to-mah-to” but Stage Three is the dark night of the soul. You’re hitting a wall of ego and it seems so much more convenient to call the whole thing off. This is when our sense of the sacred saves the day. To make something sacred we have to commit to commitment and be willing to hang tough. Love is not all hearts and flowers. It’s doing the inconvenient thing when you’re feeling least equipped or motivated to do it. In this stage, conscious communication can make all the difference. It’s almost inevitable that you will hit this stage within 3-7 years of being together. Marriage/conscious relationship is its own spiritual path. This stage indicates that it’s time to go deeper or go home. A steady spiritual practice will help immensely, especially if you’re lucky enough to have a partner who’s down for doing a practice together.

Stage Four is merger of the two bodies one soul variety. This is the true alchemical marriage and it’s based on fun, flow, and fierce devotion to the epic-ness of your union. What most people are secretly looking for in a relationship is redemption. Many are in search of love never received. The great lesson is that while a loving partner is a supreme blessing, we have to learn to love ourselves, listen well, and be non-reactive. We highly recommend the book: Getting the Love You Want by Harville Hendrix.

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